So one of my dearest friends is in the hospital right now in an extremely courageous fight for his beautiful life. All of his family and friends have been encouraging, hopeful and prayerful. We try to remain in positive spirits around him so that when he occasionally bulldozes his way through the sedatives and wakes up for brief moments he'll be greeted with lots of love and gorgeous smiles. Well yesterday, no matter how much I tried to will myself to be cheery and bubbly I just couldn't make it happen. At one point I said to myself, "Get it together, girl so you can talk to him so he knows you're here." My self responded by saying, "Fuck You. We will not play Stepford friend today." I pleaded with my "self" to stop being defiant and when she refused I decided I would wait her out. I sat in a chair near my friends bedside in silence. I was using every muscle, every breath, every mantra, every cell in my body to push back against the flow of tears. At one point my husband asked me if I was alright. He said, "I know this is tough baby but you gotta breathe."
Just...breathe.
And so I did.
I breathed in hard. I breathed in hospital smells. I breathed in my husbands cologne. I breathed in beeping machines displaying fucking numbers I don't understand. I breathed in tumors, damaged lungs, failing kidneys, high blood pressure, and high sugar levels. I breathed in yesterday when we were whole. Laughter, home grown and homemade music, parties, dance, beauty. I breathed in my guardian angel. The one who saved MY life and why cant I fucking save his? I breathed in LOVE. I breathed in Sunday Brunches and at home jam sessions. I breathed in duets and who'll be Donnie Hathaway to my Roberta Flack now? I breathed in clothes shopping cuz I suck at it unless he helps. I breathed in salads cuz his raspberry vinagrette is da bomb. I breathed in Obama cuz we knocked on doors in Reno while a 70 year old man called me a "fuckin' nigger bitch." I breathed in Nevada cuz we turned that bitch BLUE! I breathed in "Papa" cuz that's what the twins called him once the adoption was final. I breathed in miracles cuz God has blessed us with many. I breathed in Magic Johnson cuz I'm feeling like that dude got a cure for this shit. I breathed in money cuz I'm sure right now thats Magic's main cure and we ain't got it. I breathed in light because it's all around him. I breathed in pain cuz when the nurses ask him if he's in pain he shakes his head no but I hurt for him from my hair follicles to the tips of my toes.
THEN
I EXHALED.....woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo With that release the tears came.
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With the first blog..the writing style is already apparent. Wonderful!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you had an opportunity to release...don't hold it in, continue to let the tears flow.
You're letting it fly, Scribs. That's healthy. I know it must be hard. But it beats throwing staplers, eh?
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