A few days ago I allowed someone to shake my faith and steal my joy. A person's words caused me to discard all the blessings and miracles I've witnessed over the past few weeks. At first I was angry at this person. I blamed her for ruining my perception of God's movement in my life. I blamed other christian's for not fighting against these joy stealers on my behalf. I was confused, hopeless and lost. I was mad. I was mad for days. Then mad turned to sad and sad turned to disappointment...in myself.
I realize that my spiritual foundation these days is quite unstable. It must be. If something as simple as a persons opinion could rock my spirituality to the core then I'm not as solid as I thought. I am a believer in the power of prayer. I am a believer in the power of healing touch. I am a believer in the power of faith. I have faith in God, faith in family, and faith in true friends. Often times what I lack is faith in ME.
I haven't ask God for help in a long time because I don't believe I'm worthy. I believe in the power of prayer but I haven't prayed for my friend because it's such an important prayer I feel like it should come from someone super church-y or at least in the church choir. I've heard some pretty amazing prayers these last few weeks. These mothers of the church come through the ICU doors bringing light as well as healing into the room. The humming of old hymns transports everyone's souls within earshot to distant lands. The words they speak bring answers, love, blessings, lessons, scolding, warnings without judgement, and relief. I thank them often because although they come for him they are also healing me.
Many people have told me to pray for him. I try. I close my eyes. I open my eyes. I try to remember prayers I've heard before. I forget them all. I open my mouth to speak. No words, only tears.
Can tears count as prayers? Each tear that falls represents all that was, is and will be.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Mom's Nothing call
I had 5 missed calls from my Mom yesterday. When I got around to calling her back I said, "Hey Ma, whassup?"
She said, "Oh I didn't want anything."
5 missed calls for nothing.
So I said,"Of course you wanted something. You called 5 times."
"No I didn't."
"Yeah...ya did"
"No...I didn't"
"Well Ma, how come you didn't leave a message?"
"Cuz I TOLD you I didn't want nothing!"
"Okay well I'll talk to you later then."
"Oh wait, NOW I remember what I wanted!"
"You said, nothin', remember?"
"Don't make me smack you thru the phone cuz I will"
I no longer believe she still possesses this power, with the lupus and all , but I shut it up so she could tell me about the "nothing" she remembered she called to tell me about.
"I just heard they doin a movie about Angela Davis and they want Beyonce to play her? What da hell? She seems like a nice girl but I'm tired of her right about now. I'm tired of Will Smith, too. They ain't got 2 mo black actors in hollywood these days?"
"I guess they don't."
Silence.
"Alright, I'm done with you. Call me back when my babys' done with her homework."
"Oh, SHE'S yo baby now?"
"Bye strange lady that birthed my baby. Luv ya!"
...and click.
I get it from my Ma-Muh!
She said, "Oh I didn't want anything."
5 missed calls for nothing.
So I said,"Of course you wanted something. You called 5 times."
"No I didn't."
"Yeah...ya did"
"No...I didn't"
"Well Ma, how come you didn't leave a message?"
"Cuz I TOLD you I didn't want nothing!"
"Okay well I'll talk to you later then."
"Oh wait, NOW I remember what I wanted!"
"You said, nothin', remember?"
"Don't make me smack you thru the phone cuz I will"
I no longer believe she still possesses this power, with the lupus and all , but I shut it up so she could tell me about the "nothing" she remembered she called to tell me about.
"I just heard they doin a movie about Angela Davis and they want Beyonce to play her? What da hell? She seems like a nice girl but I'm tired of her right about now. I'm tired of Will Smith, too. They ain't got 2 mo black actors in hollywood these days?"
"I guess they don't."
Silence.
"Alright, I'm done with you. Call me back when my babys' done with her homework."
"Oh, SHE'S yo baby now?"
"Bye strange lady that birthed my baby. Luv ya!"
...and click.
I get it from my Ma-Muh!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Scribblestix, Stones and Dino Bones
Much like the many chambers of my fragile mind these days, my world is cluttered. I've got possessions, stuff, things, trinkets, gifts, presents, junk, crap, do hickeys, thingamajigs, those, that theres, and bullshit. I've got gift boxes inside of baggies, baggies inside of containers, containers inside of storage trunks and storage trunks inside of closets.
I've got shoes. Man have I got shoes. I keep buying stilettos. Why? Because magazines and shows about a chain smoking white chics sex life tell me that its awesomely sexy to walk on tiptoes while balancing all my weight on the stems of wine glasses made in China. And is it me or does it seem like these heely torture devices are getting narrower by the season. I pretty much have to lose 20lbs and cut off two toes from each foot to get any feeling closely resembling comfort in any sized heel these days. But I've got 'em and I've worn each pair at least once. I rock my converse and shell toe addidas daily:3 pairs of freakin' shoes. THREE...daily. I need an intervention.
I've got books. Man do I have books. These are books I've accumulated over a 2.5 year period AFTER a house fire destroyed most of my collection. They are everywhere. I even have a few in a bag(more freakin' bags) under my desk at work. I have some in my car: under the seats, on the floor, on the backseats. Some one suggested I try audiobooks or downloading books to my ipod. WTF? Who does that sick shit...oh yeah, NON-reader losers thats who. If you're not blind or old and practically blind then how could you? How could you, I ask? I know you can't tell by looking at my scribblins' but I *heart* words. There's nothing better than carving out a corner amongst all my nonsensical bullshit, and nose diving head and heart first into a bomb ass book. I love the weight of a good book in my hands or resting on my knees. I like to reread paragraphs. The paragraphs that make my skin crawl, or the hairs on my neck stand up. Paragraphs that make me soar above my clutter and into another galaxy. I need to be able to read, reflect and read again. I like to underline and highlight words I want to keep forever. How the hell do you do this on an audio book-i-pod thingy? Audio Bookie Pod thingies are for SUCKAS. Oh and blind folks and practically blind folks, i.e the intended audience. (not you lazy techie addicted bastards that haven't held a book since high school.)
I have lotion-y smell good products. Man do I have the lotions. Like our financial institutions, this can't be self regulated. I need help. I am addicted to delicious smelling supple skin. It's much easier than spending minutes to hours applying makeup. I can't be bothered with that messy madness. Plus I don't need to be "made up." What you see is what you get and IF you get my shit it's gonna smell supremely divine. And NO, I won't be smelling like your Karan's, CK's or Diddy Puff toilet waters cuz I don't rock your ex-chics department store knock off's. I like the natural scents, the shea butters and oils, the creams and veggie soaps wrapped in recycled Public Enemy album covers and hemp string, packaged ever so holistically by my neighborhood Nation of Islam bean pie brotha or my lengthy loc wearing flea market goddesses.
I'm ridding myself of the clutter this week and in the process I've found me.
ME-The converse, shell toe addidas wearing, fanatical book reading, stilleto and makeup hating, flea market roaming, blogger chic that smells hella fuckin' good! Ta DA!
*Throws confetti* as a tribute to Lauren "The confetti Ninja!"
Speedy recovery, young one. :-)
I've got shoes. Man have I got shoes. I keep buying stilettos. Why? Because magazines and shows about a chain smoking white chics sex life tell me that its awesomely sexy to walk on tiptoes while balancing all my weight on the stems of wine glasses made in China. And is it me or does it seem like these heely torture devices are getting narrower by the season. I pretty much have to lose 20lbs and cut off two toes from each foot to get any feeling closely resembling comfort in any sized heel these days. But I've got 'em and I've worn each pair at least once. I rock my converse and shell toe addidas daily:3 pairs of freakin' shoes. THREE...daily. I need an intervention.
I've got books. Man do I have books. These are books I've accumulated over a 2.5 year period AFTER a house fire destroyed most of my collection. They are everywhere. I even have a few in a bag(more freakin' bags) under my desk at work. I have some in my car: under the seats, on the floor, on the backseats. Some one suggested I try audiobooks or downloading books to my ipod. WTF? Who does that sick shit...oh yeah, NON-reader losers thats who. If you're not blind or old and practically blind then how could you? How could you, I ask? I know you can't tell by looking at my scribblins' but I *heart* words. There's nothing better than carving out a corner amongst all my nonsensical bullshit, and nose diving head and heart first into a bomb ass book. I love the weight of a good book in my hands or resting on my knees. I like to reread paragraphs. The paragraphs that make my skin crawl, or the hairs on my neck stand up. Paragraphs that make me soar above my clutter and into another galaxy. I need to be able to read, reflect and read again. I like to underline and highlight words I want to keep forever. How the hell do you do this on an audio book-i-pod thingy? Audio Bookie Pod thingies are for SUCKAS. Oh and blind folks and practically blind folks, i.e the intended audience. (not you lazy techie addicted bastards that haven't held a book since high school.)
I have lotion-y smell good products. Man do I have the lotions. Like our financial institutions, this can't be self regulated. I need help. I am addicted to delicious smelling supple skin. It's much easier than spending minutes to hours applying makeup. I can't be bothered with that messy madness. Plus I don't need to be "made up." What you see is what you get and IF you get my shit it's gonna smell supremely divine. And NO, I won't be smelling like your Karan's, CK's or Diddy Puff toilet waters cuz I don't rock your ex-chics department store knock off's. I like the natural scents, the shea butters and oils, the creams and veggie soaps wrapped in recycled Public Enemy album covers and hemp string, packaged ever so holistically by my neighborhood Nation of Islam bean pie brotha or my lengthy loc wearing flea market goddesses.
I'm ridding myself of the clutter this week and in the process I've found me.
ME-The converse, shell toe addidas wearing, fanatical book reading, stilleto and makeup hating, flea market roaming, blogger chic that smells hella fuckin' good! Ta DA!
*Throws confetti* as a tribute to Lauren "The confetti Ninja!"
Speedy recovery, young one. :-)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
God Hates Me
Two incidents happened yesterday that helped me come to the conclusion that God really hates me.
1. A christian friend called me in hysterics because one of her christian girlfriends told her that the reason her new relationship is failing is because God is punishing her for not living right. My friend was upset because she couldn't understand what she's been doing that was so awful that God wanted to emotionally destroy her.
2. I told a christian acquaintance about my friend being hospitalized and I asked her what kind of prayer I should pray for him. She basically said God is punishing him because of his lifestyle and I should basically pray the gay out of him. Oh I'm also supposed to tell him while he's potentially on his deathbed that he's going to burn in hell if he doesn't denounce his love for Jeremy and ask for forgiveness.
These 2 friends that the christians say God is punishing right now are the most loving and kindhearted folks I know. If God thinks they are the suck then there is absolutely no reason for me to try to win favor. I've done way more dirt in my first ten years of existence than these two suckers have done their whole lives. I'm so over this shit.
All this time I've been visiting my friend in ICU I thought I was witnessing God's mercy. Everytime the Doc's came in with the, "This doesn't look good" speech, my friend would beat that shit. His lung is collapsing...oops, no it's not. His kidneys are failing...not anymore. His T cells are low...now they are thru the roof and his viral load is undetectable. I saw these things as Gods Mercy, miracles if you will. But What do I know. I don't go to church. I don't have hella fucking bible verses singed into my brain. I only remeber maybe 5 of the 10 commandments.
The church folks just schooled me. These ain't fuckin' miracles or mercy. God's a fuckin' sadist apparently. He's getting Joy from torturing my friends. He enjoys bringing them to the brink of death, watching them beg for mercy and just when they give up all hope or start praying for death he fucking delivers them. Church folks God is a fucking cold blooded asshole. Satan couldn't possible exist. Why? God does the evil maniacal dirty work so who needs a satan? If satan is somehow worse than God then this means that a loving, compassionate, forgiving God does not exist. Christians got a God who spends his days and nights bringing punishment in life, while satan waits in the background for God to destroy you so he can continue the torture in death.
I was told we come here as sinners. So life is a fucking set up for Gods torture? According to the christians god punishes and tortures us because we sin. Is this why babies get AIDS, or Cancer, or die in their sleep? Fucking Preemie sinner bastards.
Today Christians suck! I hate them all. And you know which ones I hate the most. I hate the tolerant, compassionate christians that read Gods word and try their best to live in harmony with their fellow man. I hate them the most because their silence is deafening and ruining my life. They are the only ones that can drown out the lies of the hate christians yet they remain quiet. They allow the God- hates- you christians to be the voice to the masses. They allow the wolves in sheeps clothing to prey on fragile souls like mine in the name of their Jesus/God/ Trinity.
The REAL Christians should step the fuck up! God must hate your quiet asses as much as he hates my sinner ass as you are his true representatives and he's losing a lot of souls because of your cowardice. My vision of God was tainted yesterday.
Where were you?
1. A christian friend called me in hysterics because one of her christian girlfriends told her that the reason her new relationship is failing is because God is punishing her for not living right. My friend was upset because she couldn't understand what she's been doing that was so awful that God wanted to emotionally destroy her.
2. I told a christian acquaintance about my friend being hospitalized and I asked her what kind of prayer I should pray for him. She basically said God is punishing him because of his lifestyle and I should basically pray the gay out of him. Oh I'm also supposed to tell him while he's potentially on his deathbed that he's going to burn in hell if he doesn't denounce his love for Jeremy and ask for forgiveness.
These 2 friends that the christians say God is punishing right now are the most loving and kindhearted folks I know. If God thinks they are the suck then there is absolutely no reason for me to try to win favor. I've done way more dirt in my first ten years of existence than these two suckers have done their whole lives. I'm so over this shit.
All this time I've been visiting my friend in ICU I thought I was witnessing God's mercy. Everytime the Doc's came in with the, "This doesn't look good" speech, my friend would beat that shit. His lung is collapsing...oops, no it's not. His kidneys are failing...not anymore. His T cells are low...now they are thru the roof and his viral load is undetectable. I saw these things as Gods Mercy, miracles if you will. But What do I know. I don't go to church. I don't have hella fucking bible verses singed into my brain. I only remeber maybe 5 of the 10 commandments.
The church folks just schooled me. These ain't fuckin' miracles or mercy. God's a fuckin' sadist apparently. He's getting Joy from torturing my friends. He enjoys bringing them to the brink of death, watching them beg for mercy and just when they give up all hope or start praying for death he fucking delivers them. Church folks God is a fucking cold blooded asshole. Satan couldn't possible exist. Why? God does the evil maniacal dirty work so who needs a satan? If satan is somehow worse than God then this means that a loving, compassionate, forgiving God does not exist. Christians got a God who spends his days and nights bringing punishment in life, while satan waits in the background for God to destroy you so he can continue the torture in death.
I was told we come here as sinners. So life is a fucking set up for Gods torture? According to the christians god punishes and tortures us because we sin. Is this why babies get AIDS, or Cancer, or die in their sleep? Fucking Preemie sinner bastards.
Today Christians suck! I hate them all. And you know which ones I hate the most. I hate the tolerant, compassionate christians that read Gods word and try their best to live in harmony with their fellow man. I hate them the most because their silence is deafening and ruining my life. They are the only ones that can drown out the lies of the hate christians yet they remain quiet. They allow the God- hates- you christians to be the voice to the masses. They allow the wolves in sheeps clothing to prey on fragile souls like mine in the name of their Jesus/God/ Trinity.
The REAL Christians should step the fuck up! God must hate your quiet asses as much as he hates my sinner ass as you are his true representatives and he's losing a lot of souls because of your cowardice. My vision of God was tainted yesterday.
Where were you?
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